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Matthew Shear
The Real Old Lady Revealed
by Matthew Shear
“Okay madam, tell me one more time. What happened?
“Me and my husband were hungry so I decided to make gingerbread men.”
“Have your gingerbread men ever come to life before?”
“No, no. So when I opened the door on the oven I could smell the goodness an…”
“Goodness?”
“Yeah. Anyway, when I opened the door, he jumped out and started running. He ran out the door, and we started chasing him with forks and knives. My husband grabbed his musket.”
“Was this musket authorized?”
“Of course, I think. Well we started chasing him down the dirt road. It felt like I lost my mind. My head started to hurt.”
“So you took a pain killer?”
“Yeah, Tylenol. I love Tylenol!”
“I see. Well, continue.”
“Well we were running and the gingerbread man kept saying something. I think it was in Latin. I don’t remember. Well we kept chasing him like he was the last food source on earth. Then a pig started chasing him. That’s when I started getting tired. I kept running until a cow joined in on the chase. I turned around to tell my husband to turn around when I see a truck coming down the dirt road. I was amazed to see how many people wanted the gingerbread man. As the truck got closer, I realized it was my husband.
“That’s your gingerbread man,” he said. “Go get it.”
Then he handed me my Nike running shoes. That gingerbread man was dead cookie dough, and I would make sure of it. I slipped them on, and I was off. Woosh. I was running like the wind. I passed a pig. I passed a cow. I passed a horse, and there he was, the gingerbread man on the fox’s back. I knew I had him, but the fox threw him in the air. I dove and almost snatched him, but he went right under me. I was so hungry, I could barely walk home.
“Touching story, but you’re under arrest for attempted murder and unauthorized weapons in your possession.”
“The fox ate him. Why didn’t you arrest him?”
“He drowned. We have to arrest someone. Gotta respect Nursery Rhyme Law.”
“So how long am I in for?”
“10 to life!”
“I’m 92. I don’t think I can live that long.”
“Hence the life.”
“Oh well, take me away boys.”
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